Holy fuck. Did y’all watch that Ravens at Bills game? Holy fuck! What a game. But I’ll get back to that in a minute after these messages.
This post is the first of what I hope to be many weekly observations of select games from around the league. This is not meant to be a recap of every game but comments about particular things from each, in a fun way. Now, let’s play. Here’s what I learned.
Cowboys vs. Eagles
The Cowboys are masters of choking.
Exhibit A: – With 1:54 left in the game, Ceedee Lamb (Lies Down on Broadway) did his best “Look Ma, No Hands” impression when he let a Dak Prescott pass slip through his hands.
Jalen Hurts (So Good) is as cool as ice.
This man went from being a college football star to being embarrassed on national TV (Thanks, Nick Saban) to becoming the Super Bowl LIX MVP in New Orleans. Then, to prove last year wasn’t a fluke, he leads his team to victory on opening night against their biggest rival.
The other Jalen, Mr. Carter, does not have the same appeal as the original Hawk Tuah girl.
Chiefs vs. Chargers
The Chiefs are no longer the elite, darling (Nikki) team of the NFL. That time has worn off, and their mega Super Bowl flop and first week of 2025 have shown us why. Mahomes is still good, but his team is not quite as magical as it was in the back-to-back Super Bowl Championship years.
The Chargers, on the other hand, might be the sly team that returns Jim Harbaugh to NFL glory.
Cardinals vs. Saints
The Cardinals are meh. The Saints are meh. The only thing I learned in this game is that Blake Gilliken (Island), the Cardinals’ Punter, is not a good flopper. Watch his lame attempt at flopping in the 4th Quarter.
Dolphins vs. Colts
Tua’s days as an NFL hawk are over. It’s not like he had many of them, but this man needs to retire for his own safety.
The Colts did a great job at honoring their recently passed owner, Jim Irsay. Their defense looked great, and Daniel Jones surprised many with his 2 running / 1 Passing TD performance.
Steelers vs. Jets
Whodathunk Aaron (Mr.) Rodgers would come in blazing in Week 1? Then again, maybe that’s more of a testament to how consistent Mike Tomlin has been, year after year. Mike Tomlin seems to get the best out of people.
Justin Fields showed his potential.
Giants vs. Commanders
Russel Wilson is washed. He should befriend Tua and ride off into the sunset together. If you don’t believe me, just look at his 25.6 QBR.
Ravens vs. Bills
OMFG. Only because it’s the first week, I’m hesitant to say that this is the Game of the Year, but if there’s a better game this year, before the Super Bowl, the NFL needs to end the season right then and there and declare the winner of that game as the champion.
Lamar Jackson – STUD
Josh Allen – STUD
Derrick Henry – STUD (unfortunately, also the scapegoat)
Zay Flowers – STUD
Keon Coleman – STUD
